Tales from the Cubicle
by Minerva Tree
Summary: This is a collection of oneshots inspired by The Office. Rated T for swearing and because... well, you know Michael. I wish I owned the Office, but sadly, I do not. The same with everything else referenced here.
1. Thunder and Terminators

Hey guys! I am a big fan of The Office, as you obviously are, and I have been wanting to do this for a while! This is my first story, so it may not be the best, but enjoy!

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"Oh my freaking god!" Michael runs out of his office, through the bullpen, and is into the kitchen by the time the thunder booms. He jumps and scurries into the bathroom. The woman's bathroom. Pam sighs and looks at the camera.

"Michael is terrified of storms." Pam interviews. "He's convinced he's going to be killed by a lightning bolt someday. That's kind of my fault. I told him about the statistics."

The camera works its way into the women's room. It finally finds Michael crouching in the handicapped stall with his hands over his head. He looks up and realizes he's being watched. "Pam told me that one person in a hundred million will get hit by lightning. Well… I am one in a hundred million. And those storms seek me out. And someday they will succeed. It will be Judgment Day. I am John Connor, and lightning is the Terminators. That's why it's called _Sky_net." Michael whispers, his head held low I in front of the conference room's window. Lightning lights up the sky, and a second later thunder booms. Michael falls down and hides under his chair.

The storm continues, and Pam looks at Jim. And looks some more. Finally he groans and meets her eyes. She gestures her head at Michael's office, where he can just be seen under his desk. Jim rolls his eyes, but gets up and opens the door. "Hey, Michael. Um are you-"

"No, Jim, don't say my name! I need to hide!"

Jim makes a face at the camera. "Well, there's actually a better idea of where to hide from an electrical storm than under your… _metal_ desk."

Michael pokes his eyes up from the opposite side of his desk. "Really?"

Jim smiles and gestures through the door while answering, "Yeah. Come on."

Oscar and Kevin are looking at something in the middle of the floor, which Angela is pointedly ignoring.

"That looks _so _cool. Why can't we do that?" Kevin whines. The camera rotates and looks down to see an enormous pile of blankets on the floor. It moves a bit a Michael's voice, incredibly muffled, asks out from the bottom, "Are you sure this will work, Jim?"

Jim, sitting next to the pile of quilts, adds another blanket to the top of the pile. "Yes, lightning cannot touch you there. It will never know." He says soothingly, but obviously trying not to crack up. "It's a very good thing the office gets so cold sometimes."

Suddenly Dwight walks out of the kitchen. He halts and looks wary when he sees the heap. "Okay, what is going on here? Where is Michael? Jim!"

"Um…"

"Hey, it's really hot down here. Can someone grab me a soda? And maybe some chips?" Michael suddenly peeps from the bottom of his storm shield.

Dwight suddenly looks horrified. "Oh my god, Michael! Are you suffocating?" He dives for the blankets, falling on top of it while trying to yank his boss out.

"Dwight, no! No- Damn it!" Michael stands up and shakes a concerned Dwight off. He tries to smooth down his ruffled suit and hair, and happens to look out a window. "Hey, guys! The storm's over!"

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Well you people know the drill! Please review!


	2. OMG Ryan!

Quick note: this take place during season 3, after Michael moved Ryan back to where Kelly sits.

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Ryan walked in quietly, hoping she wasn't in yet. He snuck around the edge of the cubicle, and … Damn. How early did she get to work?

"Oh my God Ryan! Did you watch American Idol last night? Jordin Sparks won! She's so awesome! I'm glad Blake lost, Jordin was sooo much better. And, Ryan did you hear-"

Ryan tried to keep his moan silent. He had been attempting to get there before Kelly in the mornings, so he would get to miss some of her endless gossip. But somehow she always managed to be sitting there, bursting with chatter, when he walked in.

He was pretty sure she was doing it on purpose.

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It was nearly lunch, and he was doing his best to close a sale with the Scranton Coal Mine gift shop. It was small (come on, it was a shop for coal souvenirs,) but it would be his biggest sale yet. Well, his only sale yet.

"Ryan! Oh my God I was looking at a baby name site, and I found the best name ever! Matisse Bella Lux! Isn't that the sweetest thing ever? Or for a boy, Afallon Kendal! Isn't that like, so awesome?!"

Ryan cringed. She was always talking to him about baby names, and if it wasn't that, it was what her dream wedding would be like, or vacations that sounded so romantic. And if he pretended he didn't hear and kept his back to her, he would feel her eyes burning through the back of his head.

He finally gave up trying to ignore her. "Ms. Fredricks, could you please hold on a second?" He covered the mouthpiece of his phone, and spun around to look at Kelly. "Kelly, could you please be quiet for a couple minutes, I'm trying to close a sale."

She glared at him for a minute, then rolled her eyes and returned to her computer. "Fine. I get it. I see money is more important to you than our kids."

Ryan returned to his sales call. "Yes, Ms. Fredricks. Well, we can offer you half price shipping if you order now." Suddenly bubble music was blasting out of Kelly's speakers. She always played Caramelldansen when she was mad at him. She knew it drove him insane.

"Hello? Hello?" Ryan yelled futilely into the phone. The gift shop manager had hung up on him. He couldn't even sell to a gift shop. He finally gave in.

"Kelly, do you want to go out for lunch?"

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Four fifty-five, and everyone was packing up. Ryan, despite his day, was in a good mood. He was going out to a new bar in Carbondale with his friends from business school, Kelly would be having dinner with her parents so she wouldn't be able to call him… this would be a good evening.

She was just walking out when she stopped and turned around to face him. "Ryan, I forgot to mention, you can come over to my parents house with me tonight, because they want to see you again! Isn't that awesome?" She grinned at him, waiting for him to respond.

"But, I had plans… I can't stand my friends up!" He tried to find and excuse that would satisfy her, even though he knew only death would for her justify turning her down.

"Come on Ryan, please?" Kelly begged, but he could see a malicious glitter in her eyes. He knew he wasn't going to win.

He gave up and asked what time he needed to be over there.

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Please review!


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